Blog 38 The Hungry Kid Within (Gary)
As we walk I am aware that I am processing out loud. I talk about my deprived inner child, and how he watched and listened to other children describe their trips to the beach, Hawaii, New York, skiing with their families or trips to Europe. I always felt deprived, and perhaps never knowing what it meant to have “fun.” Now that I have the fortune to allow me to do almost anything I want, I find my little kid often dragging me around the world.
When I was a teenager I also spent a great deal of time looking at magazines and fantasizing. My world of fantasy was helped along by movies, Sears and Montgomery Ward catalogs, eventually TV, men’s magazines describing wonderful places, and most certainly Playboy. (I was interested to learn that part of Hugh Hefner’s journey was stimulated by being left by a woman during his time in the military.)
It didn't help that my first friend in high school was enthralled with Hillsborough, California, and what money could buy. He was also into stocks and educated me on the "possibilities" in the market. My little kid's fantasies went wild. The fantasy train was not only running but reinforced.
Now I find that the kid frequently takes me away from reality. I have to stop him and I think that is already in process, as sometimes I don't want to do anything or look at anything. I rarely watch TV or movies anymore because I find them so loaded with bullshit fantasy.
So what is real? I am escaping my child's fantasies more easily every day. Now, in the moment, I am desireless. I wonder if it is okay to be desireless. Of course I have to watch out for that little kid who is always waiting to go for a ride (yeah, maybe like the Sunday car rides my aunt and uncle would take with me when I was three years old). It doesn't take much stimulation from outside or inside to activate his unfulfilled desires or “hunger.”
What if life was as simple as helping people, working on the house, playing with my dog, reading, and spending time with family and friends along with an occasional fun activity, or an adventure? What would it take to be still, to be present? I believe it will just take practice.
Tomorrow is another day of not walking The Hill and yet The Hill is with me wherever I go. It maintains me.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 37 Examining What’s In The Balance (Gary)
It’s easy to convince ourselves that spending time in excitement is the answer. If we can feel really alive then we must be alive. It’s how we define this feeling of being alive that starts things off. We can get excited about possessions, expensive toys, and that is not where our relaxation lives. We appreciate the way the world goes away when we truly relax. Somehow we need to pay for this relaxation. It often comes to us after a day of strenuous labor, or a challenging day on The Hill, a good sweat, a hot shower, a moment to regard the outcome of the effort. We ask if that’s what it takes to make material desires leave our minds. Monks of every persuasion doing the work of a sacred place come to mind. It makes us wonder if there is a “stressless” desire, and if that is what it means to be without desires. Apparently not, as we can easily find the word stressful and yet stressless is not in our dictionary. How can we hold on to this “desirelessness” (also not in the dictionary), this basic concept of Buddhism.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 36 The Echo of the Hill (Gary)
Here I am at an ocean bluff vacation home and continuing to think about The Hill and what it means to me. It's amazing what it continues to stir up. I just finished reading the touching story of Skip Conrad in the October 2007 issue of Backpacker Magazine (“Vanishing Act,” p. 68), and how Nature touched a lost man's soul. I know that feeling. I can understand how, when his life was at an end, he hiked to the place he loved, where he was totally accepted, and died without a trace. He was a victim of alcoholism and the resulting pain. Generational wounding can leave you lonely no matter what you do to try and fill the space. When you aren't given love and acceptance you can be lonely no matter what. I know for me (yes, there was alcoholism in my family history as well), the mountain—The Hill—feels like a friendly spirit that is always there.
Maybe it's the dirt we all come from and return to. It always feels like home. It feels safe. That is why I go back again and again. I feel I belong there. It is safe because there is no judgment. It is totally accepting. I don't feel alone.
If you feel lonely give this a try. Find a place in nature you love, truly love, not too far from home, and go there as often as you can. The place can become a friend.
BUY THE BOOK
BLOG 35 Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)
Alone.
Learning a way of being.
Just being.
I ask what is natural?
What is real?
Questions that have been a part of my life for so long.
The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am.
When alone as a child I always kept my set of toy army men in a special corner of the living room and I would spend hours playing with them around the room. My mother was okay with that as long as I always put them back in that special spot. It turns out another man in our men’s group has pretty much the same story, and he tells me how he had collected over a thousand pieces of an army set similar to mine. It makes me sad writing this, but so it was. The army we wish we had so we wouldn’t feel alone. The sense of belonging to something larger than our selves is sometimes comforting even if the belonging is an illusion of love and connection.
What have you joined that you project the fantasy of belonging onto? What sports team or corporate identity have you taken on belonging to out of a need to belong?
I have seen a number of men who drink together in a work or after-work situation as a way to self-medicate and feel connected. One of my favorite stories is of a high level corporate guy and ex-special ops academy graduate. He was in sales where drinking was part of the protocol. He got a DUI and it woke him up. I coached him and he began his recovery process for himself and for the sake of his family. He was a drinking buddy to a lot of other men. One of his first concerns was how he was going to tell them. How was he going to not drink in front of them or not join them in drinking? I supported him to man up and lead those men. I suggested that he and he alone had the courage and balls to do that—and he did. Last I heard he was doing very well in sobriety and had gotten a number of his colleagues to either stop drinking or at a minimum brought them into a greater awareness of the damage it was creating. “How do I quit? Everyone I know drinks like I do.” I have probably heard that one a thousand times. It was extremely gratifying to have him call me over a year later, as traffic to his work diverted him by my office, and he thought to call. I had been thinking about him and he called just to let me know things were great for him and he was continuing his life of sobriety. What a gift!
Our culture is so very fucked up due to shame and guilt and too many medications to deal with it.
This Walk, This Journey, This Process (Gary)
I know now that I had to do this walk, this journey, this process. (I always say therapy is a process, not a product). Before I could go on to the next chapter of my life I had to come home. I had to grow my values. I had to learn them the hard way. I am thankful for the people around me who gave me a new meaning. These include the quality people I worked with in law enforcement, the Sterling Men's Weekend, my men's teams, my professors, and my new wife who would not settle for a lack of value. I also give credit to Native American wisdom, my children, and the men’s and women's spirits I worked with in therapy. They all helped me create new values. They gave me a foundation of hope and a sense of belonging and self. They brought me closer to home.
But I hadn’t come home yet.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 37 Leading (Gary)
You know, as I truly relax the external world goes away. Stuff is unimportant, as in possessions. I am just here sitting on my bed in the comfort of my bedroom; I am warm, comfortable, and relaxed after having worked hard in my yard today. Was it the strenuous exercise? Is that what it takes to make everything okay and material desires go away?
What if I could just relax without the strenuous exercise, without walking The Hill for two hours? Less stress = less desire. Ah, to be in a state wherein stress and desire are dispelled. I've been here before. I know how good it feels. How do I hold on to it? Maybe this goes back to less is more? Part of me thinks of toys: Porsches, iPods, swimming pools. These thoughts are in the back corner of my mind, so now I let them seep in a little just to see what I do with them.
The first thing I detect is an energy, an excitement. It's tantalizing and seductive. It's not the fun, it’s more the high, adrenalin, excitement. What if I didn't need excitement? But I have to have some, don't I? Doesn't everyone? “Everyone I know . . .”
Sounds a lot like an alcoholic. “Everyone I know drinks like I do. All my friends . . .” How much excitement do I really need? What does it take the place of now? Or what did it take the place of then? My first reaction as I write this is longing. That's quite a contrast. Desire less vs. excitement now. When I was a kid it was longing vs. excitement. It was an emptiness created by a lack of love and connection. I was hungry. That’s a good word for it. I remember a beautiful Colombian hooker in Costa Rica approaching me and saying, “You are hungry for me, aren’t you?”
That’s in some ways the same. Desire that can take you to places you really shouldn’t go. I said no to that desire back then, but my mind can take me other places. I know excitement can make me a little crazy, like out of control, anticipating the big “WHOOOPEEE!” Is this the Love vs. Fear equation? Physiologically it’s a short shift from excitement to fear. I had a lot of fear and anxiety as a child in an unstable world: My parents’ separation, divorce, and my father's death when I was three or four is a good start. If I could turn that dial just a little I would have excitement instead of emptiness. Do I still want to do that? It’s a quiet slip into loneliness, loneliness slips into fear, anxiety, and longing, thus the desire for excitement comes up so I don't have to feel lonely. So the less I feel lonely, the less I will need excitement. I start desiring when I feel empty.
I realize that my little kid is resentful because he hasn’t been getting what he needs. He is waiting for and expecting what my supervisor in clinical practice used to call “the giant tit in the sky.” Thanks, Maria.
If you are resentful (it’s very common by the way) in relationship, change course. Reverse what you are doing. Lead by loving her and she will open to you. Take the risk. Quit being a brat. I have witnessed this working for my clients far more times than not.
Could I fill up in relationship? I did before, but I was too needy and almost lost the relationship. Thus, I sealed off my deepest needs. I am scared to be that needy again. Am I just practicing not needing, not feeling, and it catches up to me? Am I scared to reveal how needy I am? How needy am I anyway? Shit! What is it I need? Well, based on my story, I need love and stability. I have that, so what's the problem? My wife spends a lot of time trying to make me happy, but it only helps, it is not a healing. The open wound is still there. Maybe if I loved more, rather than waiting; if I took an active role in getting it. I always say, “Lead!” Maybe that's the answer—lead. Better yet, Lead in the Relationship. Lead in loving and “being.” That has worked.
If you grow up being deprived of love this will be hard. Take the risk of giving more rather than expecting more. Join me in having learned a valuable and contrary lesson that is well worth the risk.
It’s also about taking action. Peter Levine (Waking the Tiger, 1997) would say that healing from trauma is running from the tiger rather than staying frozen in fear (fight, flight, or freeze). The way to heal any trauma is to get the energy of it out of the body. Mark and I are healing our trauma by taking charge of it, talking and walking, moving the energy out of the body instead of being stuck or frozen. It’s our long way of healing from complex trauma but it has served us.
Lead in a loving way rather than suffering hurt and being resentful. Create what you need by giving it. Yes, by giving what you want to receive.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 33 Belief and Distrust (Gary)
page 47
Today I was confronted by my wife’s awakening to the realization that my fantasy life and need for excitement are a substitute for not having a family full of rituals and traditions, that my fantasies are a substitute set of rituals that fill up the space for me. Today when I walked I brought that up The Hill for me to process and shared it with Mark. It struck me when she said it, and I know that it is true.
Beliefs are a big part of the story. When I was a child my beliefs seemed to float. My ground was so unstable I wasn't sure what to believe in. Before I left for the military I had decided to believe in monogamy, the Holy Catholic Church, the sacredness of our bodies, family, the support of friends, John F. Kennedy, my country, family, and friends. That was my game board at the age of nineteen. Before I left for Vietnam I saw hope in being part of a large Irish Catholic family that my future wife offered, a religion that I could belong to, and a woman who could offer me the love I so desperately needed as I was an orphan of sorts. I thought I had found my place, my ground, my missing family home.
I so wanted to believe in something. I believed I was doing the right thing by serving my country and going to Vietnam. I was committed to my duties in the Air Force as an Airman First Class and felt valued. I went to church to be part of this new family, studied my catechism and was learning what it meant to be in relationship with a woman and part of a family. By the time I came back from Vietnam a year later all of it had lost its meaning.
I was thinking today life was like a game board and back then I thought I had accumulated all the right pieces. By the time I returned home it was like someone had swept their hand across the board, wiping it clean. I was bereft of any meaning in life. I felt I had lost all moral stability. I turned myself over to desire and fantasy like my elder colleagues in Vietnam had done. Whatever I desired I would attempt to do. I was in the abyss. If that meant alcohol or women I would go for it. If I thought marrying her would give me something I would go for it. I became a selfish (or more selfish), self-indulgent, dishonest prick: A true prick. At least I was most certainly a man without a ground and a compass.
Choose carefully whom you follow and don’t let numbers choose you.
You see, I needed something to come back to or it wouldn't work. Everything I knew and wanted to believe in was destroyed. Even my culture, my country was not the same. No regard for loyalty to country, despised instead of respected, no one to listen, no one to care. Can you even imagine coming back from risking your life for a year, for your country, for American idealism and past heroic wars, to see kids your age running up a major street, blocks from your home, with the black North Vietnamese Army flag—the flag of an enemy that was killing your brothers, young Americans just like yourself? Strip clubs, drugs, and acid rock had become normal for my generation. That wasn't what I remembered. Where could I go? I was lost big time.
I have to admit that I had a fantasy of being welcomed home by people happy to see me, and pleased that I had returned. In my fantasy people would acknowledge that I had fulfilled some kind of patriotic duty, and they would all want to hear my stories, see my pictures, greet me with hugs and invites to celebrate my return. Virtually everything, save a couple friends in Vietnam, had dissolved. I felt left with nothing. My fiancée, my country, my friends and family had abandoned me. Even the culture I had known was no longer here. Everything had evaporated and I wanted desperately to come home.
I came back but I didn't come back to a home. There was no longer a home here. Everything I thought I could value was gone. My president was assassinated, my fiancé was no longer mine, my enemy’s flag was being carried down my street, my "friends" were clearly more concerned with their little dramas than my experience of war, my music had been replaced, drugs and naked bodies on stage was the style. Miniskirts, hot-pants, and see-through tops were certainly seductive and exciting to see. No matter, I was lost but I was alive and looking with a jaded mind and a fogged lens. I couldn't go back and I didn't see a way forward so I took, and I mean took, what I could. I said okay to the new culture, I said okay to marrying, I said okay to the people who said they wanted to hear my story but then ignored me. I made the best of what I had. I was a lost child again, and I knew how to do that. I would get fed wherever I could. There is a greedy, angry tone to that. I searched for a place to belong. I was raised on chaos and disruption. So, I am back, but am I really?
God bless my fellow soldiers who never came home, who never had the chance.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 32 Vietnam in Half Moon Bay (Gary)
Well, we have to stop at the nurseries. So here I sit. Actually I am enjoying the spot in which I sit. Cars are zooming by, but the air is clean. Across the road is a thick forest of bushes. I imagine trying to push my way into them and go anywhere. It would be like hiding in the jungles of Vietnam. Yes, I can still go there. How would I hide from the enemy? Thank God I enlisted in the Air Force instead of being drafted by the Army. Good decision, Plep. But what are you going to do when you have lost your driver's license? I couldn't chase girls and I was tired of digging ditches. Three years, eleven months, seventeen days, and a wake up (until discharge, but who was counting?). I can't walk The Hill today but at least I am still here to walk it. I am grateful for fate’s subtle shifts in direction.
The Long Journey Home (Gary)
No doubt my most direct contact with the ghosts of war happened to me while leading a Vision Quest wilderness experience. We had a base camp at the top of a ridge in the Ventana Wilderness of Big Sur, California. I picked this particular location to be removed from civilization.
I was milling around camp with my co-leader on a damp and quiet morning. I remember it as being slightly foggy and misty. I looked down the mountain simply to take in the always-gorgeous view. I was stunned and taken aback as I saw five Vietnamese carrying rifles on their shoulders and wearing the same garb as the Viet Cong, the traditional black pajamas and cone hats. My immediate thoughts were dark, and I was suddenly caught between two worlds. One I knew from being in a war in Vietnam, and the one in the present moment. I had to keep asking myself the question, “Are they here to kill me, or are they just civilians hunting for food?” Back and forth, back and forth, past to present, present to past. I wanted my gun and I didn't have it.
I watched them walk through the back of our campsite, and felt myself between two worlds of anticipation, trying to sort out reality. That was a scene I will never forget. I kept thinking, “How many of them can I get before they get me?”
Big breath.
The darkness stayed for a long time.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 31 The Echo of the Hill
Page 42
The Echo of the Hill (Gary)
Here I am at an ocean bluff vacation home and continuing to think about The Hill and what it means to me. It's amazing what it continues to stir up. I just finished reading the touching story of Skip Conrad in the October 2007 issue of Backpacker Magazine (“Vanishing Act,” p. 68), and how Nature touched a lost man's soul. I know that feeling. I can understand how, when his life was at an end, he hiked to the place he loved, where he was totally accepted, and died without a trace. He was a victim of alcoholism and the resulting pain. Generational wounding can leave you lonely no matter what you do to try and fill the space. When you aren't given love and acceptance you can be lonely no matter what. I know for me (yes, there was alcoholism in my family history as well), the mountain—The Hill—feels like a friendly spirit that is always there.
Maybe it's the dirt we all come from and return to. It always feels like home. It feels safe. That is why I go back again and again. I feel I belong there. It is safe because there is no judgment. It is totally accepting. I don't feel alone.
If you feel lonely give this a try. Find a place in nature you love, truly love, not too far from home, and go there as often as you can. The place can become a friend.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 30 My Body and the Hill (Gary)
Page 44
My Body and The Hill (Gary)
I continue to battle a glitch in my side. I have been trying to unravel the cause for about five years. I am sitting here hoping (a word I don't like because most people hope rather than do) that the chiropractor I saw this morning has the answer. I am taking a pill once a day to activate some facet or part of my liver that has not been working properly. At least that is the conclusion I have come to. Some years ago I suspected that when I do therapy I restrict my breathing with my intention to listen. Later I realized it was probably more the result of living in a combat zone and staying clenched. When we are in fear one of the primary reactions to stress is to clench our muscles and organs. My restricted diaphragm has locked the muscles next to it and caused digestive and muscular problems. My sit-ups have further tightened those muscles by putting even more pressure on the diaphragm. Now, today that is all resolved, but for seven years I have been somewhat disabled due to my PTS and restriction. If the pill continues to work, it will definitely change my life. I can be hopeful.
I now understand what my mother used to say: “If you have your health, you have everything." HO to that. It has taken a great deal of my energy. So many times I have felt depleted because of it. I value my body having learned to use it doing construction at age sixteen and digging ditches for the utility company when I was eighteen. Now I have to exercise in some strenuous manner at least three to four times a week.
My foreman gave me this gift by example. He, in his late forties, led his crew by working ahead of them. We would try to keep up. Thank you, George Wettach. I would have to say I am continuing to follow your lead and my health is far better than most men my age because of it. I can easily do 9-mile walks, bench 135, press 60lb. dumbbells for 12 reps, and do 40 pushups, all with relative ease. (Note: Gary loves to brag when he’s being humble. — M.Y.)
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 29 Being Alone and Belonging Continued (Gary)
Foxe kits looking fo their mother and responding to my call.
Page 42 (Fox kits coming down the hill to see me- priceless)
I have seen a number of men who drink together in a work or after-work situation as a way to self-medicate and feel connected. One of my favorite stories is of a high level corporate guy and ex-special ops academy graduate. He was in sales where drinking was part of the protocol. He got a DUI and it woke him up. I coached him and he began his recovery process for himself and for the sake of his family. He was a drinking buddy to a lot of other men. One of his first concerns was how he was going to tell them. How was he going to not drink in front of them or not join them in drinking? I supported him to man up and lead those men. I suggested that he and he alone had the courage and balls to do that—and he did. Last I heard he was doing very well in sobriety and had gotten a number of his colleagues and veterans to either stop drinking or at a minimum brought them into a greater awareness of the damage it was creating. “How do I quit? Everyone I know drinks like I do.” I have probably heard that one a thousand times. It was extremely gratifying to have him call me over a year later, as traffic to his work diverted him by my office, and he thought to call. I had been thinking about him and he called just to let me know things were great for him and he was continuing his life of sobriety. What a gift!
Our culture is so very _______ due to shame and guilt and too many medications to deal with it. Let’s risk opening our hearts and go much deeper than beers and a ball game.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 28 Today I simply celebrate the week with Gratitude (Gary)…………AHO!
I just returned from the hike and celebrate the week with this picture from today. The week has included abundance, a meeting with Bessel van den Kolk MD, “The Body keeps The Score” and being able to gift him a copy of our book, a visit with my friend Susan Hennings MFT who escorted my fellow veterans back home from Vietnam as a flight attendant, recovering my physical ability to do the walk, and research into walking sticks only to discover one off trail just prior to the gate up the hill. I am grateful for this beautiful day.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 27 Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)
Page 41
Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)
Alone.
Learning a way of being.
Just being.
I ask what is natural?
What is real?
Questions that have been a part of my life for so long.
The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am.
When alone as a child I always kept my set of toy army men in a special corner of the living room and I would spend hours playing with them around the room. My mother was okay with that as long as I always put them back in that special spot. It turns out another man in our men’s group has pretty much the same story, and he tells me how he had collected over a thousand pieces of an army set similar to mine. It makes me sad writing this, but so it was. The army we wish we had so we wouldn’t feel alone. The sense of belonging to something larger than our selves is sometimes comforting even if the belonging is an illusion of love and connection.
What have you joined that you project the fantasy of belonging onto? What sports team or corporate identity have you taken on belonging to out of a need to belong?
I have seen a number of men who drink together in a work or after-work situation as a way to self-medicate and feel connected.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 26 This Walk, This Journey, This Process (Gary)
Page 37
I know now that I had to do this walk, this journey, this process. (I always say therapy is a process, not a product). Before I could go on to the next chapter of my life I had to come home. I had to grow my values. I had to learn them the hard way. I am thankful for the people around me who gave me a new meaning. These include the quality people I worked with in law enforcement, the Sterling Men's Weekend, my men's teams, my professors, and my new wife who would not settle for a lack of value. I also give credit to Native American wisdom, my children, and the men’s and women's spirits I worked with in therapy. They all helped me create new values. They gave me a foundation of hope and a sense of belonging and self. They brought me closer to home.
But I hadn’t come home yet.
BUY THE BOOK
BLOG 25 Vietnam- Darkness Vs Light (Gary)
Page 34
Chuck dabbled in the dark side, along with my sergeant friend. God bless both of them. Maybe the light didn’t abandon me. Maybe the dark side corrupted me. My faith was tested more than I could endure, and I sold out. It was hard, so hard, to keep my faith when I felt so desperately alone. I have witnessed the dark side of fantasy, and I know it is a desperately lonely place. So I have my fantasies but I am alone in them. I have been taught well, so well that I am split. Have I abandoned myself, or my soul, to the dark side? Is it so hard to choose light over dark? Those attached to the dark side shall live here? In fear? Connection or detachment? Dark or light? Relationship with or without any? It comes down to a fear of relationship. With God or without? Light or dark? I am afraid of God. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house. Maybe that is actually a good thing. Leave me alone, Oh Darkness. Let me be. Quit tantalizing me. Let me live here in my heart rather than a war-torn land. Would I then be back to being a child looking out the window at what others have, jealous of what I project I do not have, or would I finally be at home with a house filled with presence instead of the empty house I grew up in? As they say, a house does not make a home.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 24 VIETNAM (Gary)
Page 33
What blocks vitality in relationship for me? Sue says that I am split between the dark side and the light, that I fantasize on the left, the dark, music, dancing, trips, that I am never present, that I never connect because I am out there connecting with fantasy.
Before I went to Vietnam I believed in and wanted it to be an all-light world of my making: God, country, and family. When it all crashed, I knew I had made a decision that an all-light world didn’t work. I lost faith in all of it, and decided rejection might be a better idea. Now, as she says, I am split. Maybe I need an exorcism or something. At least I am now aware of it.
In order to have connection I have to let go of my dark side romance with fantasy. I am afraid of the light because I feel it abandoned me. Again, what or who abandoned me? Susan (my ex-wife) my elders on the dark side; my countrymen who were on the dark side off base; my priest who dropped out an important part of the mass; my lieutenant who had abandoned someone in the field; the dark side of war; left basically to defend the air base by myself during an impending attack by 5,000 NVA.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 23 Fantasy or Addiction vs Vitality (Gary)
PAGE 37
Now there might be some confusion about addictions that can deceive you into thinking and feeling that you are being vital, but there is a difference. Addictions don't vitalize: they mesmerize. In other words they put you to sleep for a while because what you are experiencing is always a substitute for the real thing.
That's right. Think about it. You don't have to think or feel. Addictions disorganize it for you, and numb you out. It actually takes you away from your vitality or spirit. The physical feeling in your body is a distortion of reality in some way. It leaves you wanting and lusting. It steals the essence of who you are in order to have a sense of self. You have to give something up. Some part of you is stolen. It is a substitute for what, and is—real and could vitalize you. So what does vitality mean? There was still something missing. I have looked in many places, and occasionally thought I had it, but it wasn't there. I have touched it many times without grasping it. I think you know what I mean. There is something out there, but what is it? So much of therapy is finding a word that captures what is mutually felt; I mean feel it in your body, and all in the room connect with it. For me, most recently, in fact, in only the last couple days, I have found the word that expresses what I have been looking for: vitality.
The Miriam Webster Dictionary describes vitality as “the state of being strong and active; energy: changes that will give renewed vitality to our democracy. The power giving continuance of life, present in all living things: the vitality of seeds.”
So much for the dictionary definition: What is it about the seedling pushing its way through the concrete? It is persistent and shows no lack of effort. It is not only consistent and committed. I see it as containing its own energy to move without any outside nurturance because it “feels” a strong sense of purpose within itself. There is also an edge of joy in going beyond its little self to become something much larger. Vitality contains within it “vibrancy.” To me, it’s a vibe or vibration that hits my body and chimes within my whole being like a tuning fork and energizes me to respond in a way that fulfills a need to magnify its pitch to the next level. If I listen closely, it is so intense that I want to feel it again and again, each time with a greater passion than the first. It becomes a hunger to go beyond the mundane. Once I get the right vibe I become hungry to hear it again and again. The vitality is so strong that it is self-generating, like a song that keeps playing in my head that moves me physically and spirituaL.
- BUY THE BOOK-
Blog 22 Vision Quest
October 2023 Quest
Page 31
I remember the first Vision Quest I ever did and how it brought me into nature in a way I had never experienced and inspired me to lead Vision Quests. My fiancé told me I was driving her crazy with my divorce drama and to go backpacking or something to go figure it out for myself. I decided to go backpacking in the Sierra’s even though it was early June and there was still snow on the ground. Although I had spent most of my outdoor life as a kid in the woods, this was different. I stayed in one place long enough to really acquaint myself to nature and my place in it (rather small). That was a life changer. It inspired change deep within me and inspired me to learn more about this ancient way of gaining wisdom. Thus my Vision Quests were born six years later after working with some Native American peoples but the fire had been ignited by that time alone in the wilderness. Thank you Cielo Black Crow and Tommy Little Bear.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 21 The Hill: The Place is the Teacher. The Gift (Gary)
Page 30
The importance of a physical challenge to complement emotional growth cannot be overestimated in its positive influence. The Hill provides this for Mark and I.
Sometimes I hate this walk. I am like a student resisting the teaching, then finally, joyously letting it in. Sigh, thank you mountain.
Every step here is a page. “Down” feels like I’ve been cleansed, “up” the holding and preparing for the release. “What would it take to be here, fully present to this place and my heart?” is a question I have asked many times.
You can’t see a natural scene through the glass, feeling isolated and separated from the world, the way a latchkey child feels looking at the world through a window. The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am, as Gary.
Unfortunately, many men I know hike only to time themselves from one place to another and credit themselves with distance and speed. They miss the beauty and the nurture of nature by just being. Try just sitting in an isolated spot in nature for a day. Not on a day. For a full day, morning to dusk. Great preparation for Vision Quest.
The picture below is The Gift. It could not have happened without my being present. By my being present the fox felt safe to be present (Note: 6 ft away). Thus a beautiful moment in time I will never forget. And there are more to share.
BUY THE BOOK
BLOG 20 Happy New Year 2024 ! -Holding the Ground
Page 20
The ground is something held sacred that you can rely on. You always go back to that place. It’s a point of safety. A ground can be a lot of things. The primary value to me is experienced in nature but most essentially in the combination of the individual or group relationships. The gift of my childhood and adult abandonment was a driving force to find or create a ground. Not having had a sense of security anywhere propelled me to create groups of men who seek the same and “show up” week after week because they know and feel the value of a safe, committed circle. Two can also provide a ground for each other. Mark and I provided that. The commitment to a challenging hike provided such a powerful ground it became a book, a totem, a sacred voice to the spiritual value of creating a ground.
Our desire in writing this book is that you the reader will create such bonds and expand the circle of souls who hold the ground for each other.
My best example was my first men’s team from the Sterling Weekend. We met every Wednesday morning at 0430. Yes that is 4:30 am. Men came from long distances to keep their commitment.
The value of a committed relationship is often taught by a consequence as a way of focusing and translating the meaning. Whatever consequence that can get a man’s attention to the importance of “showing up” and bring up the warrior energy. That is a source for all of us to belong to something, be a part of, connect. It nurtures and fuels our nervous system to adapt to the everchanging world in ways that promote a healthy ongoing adaptation to the world. This is a Ground. A Sacred Ground.
Obviously the above applies to women as well who more naturally connect to the need to ground.
BUY THE BOOK
Blog 19 Holiday Reflections
Page 14
During the holiday season joy and loss seem to be more on our minds as we reflect on the value of our connections past and present. Our gatherings and celebrations can open our hearts and thus our emotions to both being in the present and reflecting on the past.
Sometimes we do our best to only glimpse at our losses rather than feel the depth of our grief. I feel we can find a deeper place of meaning by being with loss and talking about it as on our hike.
Loss being inevitable we can consciously choose an attitude through our being present to the experience. Although painful there is always a teaching moment if we allow the totality of the experience to be felt. When we face the depth of our own experience there comes a deeper wisdom.
My good friend Mark Ruskell (DC) was a good friend and colleague who I had known from a men’s weekend years prior. We were part of a men’s team for years. He came to our usual team meeting at the park. He sat down at the table and teared up as he told us he had cancer. We were all in shock as we had always held him as being the big old farm boy who could physically endure anything.
He went through a series of progressive and aggressive treatments for esophageal cancer.
I visited him at home the week before he died.
I found him dressed and appearing to be well despite having fasted for many days. We talked about life and death and he focused on all his positive life experiences. I watched him reviewing the video of he and his girlfriend’s dive with the manta rays in Mexico. He raised an empty margarita glass from their trip and said “I have no regrets”….essentially saying from a life well lived.
I grieved his loss And I was present to his message to Live a Life with No Regrets. Thanks Mark! I love you brother.
Holiday blessings and may you be present to all the gifts that may come to you emotionally during this holiday season.
BUY THE BOOK