Blog 18 -The Gift
Page 13
You can’t FORCE the spirit to write. It has to want to. Just had to say.
So today I share a significant basis for the book. I could call it grief, abandonment, or a gift. It wasn’t a gift that my father died, my mother was overcome with grief and I was emotionally abandoned by my mother at age four. But there was a gift to follow. There was a pony in the horseshit.
My mother told me that I could no longer go down the hall to the stored toy box in the apartment building to get my toys and play inside. I needed to go outside and find some friends to play with. I of course had no idea what that meant or how to do that. I only knew I was not to leave the corner area of the block we lived on.
So on one of my first wanderings around the corner I encountered a boy who was a little older and he told another boy about his age and I there was going to be a fight and we needed to stick together and prepare ourselves. He gave each of us a gift that he said we would need for strength.
The gift wasn’t just the physical object (you will have to read the book to find out what is was) but the value of connection, a model of survival, a necessary resource for emotional and physical growth. A basic nervous system requirement for adaptation and survival from life’s fears. My first lesson in polyvagal theory if you wish to look it up is “co-regulation”. -That simple gift gave me the desire and direction I needed in raising myself-.
The enemy never appeared and I never saw either of those boys again.
However connection has directed most every aspect of my life and most certainly helped me in developing a very successful private practice and my own personal support group. Our very survival, our nervous system is dependent upon emotional connection. If you aren’t emotionally connected to others the consequences are dire.
Connect to reveal and heal and live a full life. My Gift at age four was co-regulation. Thanks Mom and thank you to the spirit in that mystery boy’s message.
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BLOG 17
BLOG 17 A LESSON IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
A THANKSGIVING GIFT
PAGE 11
I have found that most men find it difficult to accept acknowledgement. It seems to be more important to ignore our accomplishments for the “greater good”. Someone else was more deserving or had accomplished a greater feat. I felt It was my duty as a leader to acknowledge men for their accomplishments.
Men of Fire was a heart centered men’s support group I had envisioned, co-created and led for 18 years.. Other than a few short timers the circle had had only 22 regular members. Now it was time for the completion ceremony. We gathered on the mountain for our closing circle and passed the truth stick.
Speaking last I took my time to make eye contact with each man and speak from my heart acknowledging each one as an exceptional man. When I was done I was tapped on the shoulder by the man on my left and told that I had forgotten someone. Taken aback I asked who!? The man said yourself. “You too are an exceptional man”. I have never forgotten that moment. It was a lesson and a gift that I have carried with me since.
In my groups I now have each man acknowledge himself for something he has done during the week. He may also acknowledge others in the circle. In the past I had ignored myself for the sake of others because I believed that was my duty.
Since that day I have included myself in the acknowledgement process and let the acknowledgements in when they are given.
How can one fully lead by example if he cannot mention and own his accomplishments. Not from a place of ego but rather by example.
The Hill has been an open space to practice letting love in the giving as well as receiving acknowledgement.
Happy Thanksgiving. May you acknowledge yourself in some way today and every day.
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BLOG 16 SHAME AND JUDGEMENT Page 8
Do you always follow the fence line and retreat from a block to your path? I am grateful that there are only a couple fences along our hill and rarely a block to the trail. However it’s a reminder to me of how we often contain ourselves both physically and emotionally. I am always looking beyond the fence if you will and take safety challenges as part of the fun.
I have fond memories of simply stepping over an insulated high voltage power line from a storm when I was six while surrounding parents were freaked out and immobilized. I took my time and calculated the risk based upon what they had unconsciously already done.
The consciousness we experience on the hill gives us permission to access and express ourselves beyond the fear most of us were raised and contained by. We are a combination of cultures most often ruled and contained by shame and judgement.. Most fear to express themselves. I suspect it was considered necessary for the survival of past generations so no judgment from me. However we are slow to change and freedom of expression is slow to evolve. Many change their physical appearance but dare not share their expression of emotion unless it contains fear or judgement.
Here on the hill it always feels like there is an open invitation to feel to our depth, to cry, yell, talk out loud to oneself and personally share our deepest feelings. A good yell from the bowels is very therapeutic.
Our book is an invitation to go beyond that which fences you in or blocks your path emotionally and spiritually.
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BLOG 15 Passion
Page 7
Our book couldn’t have been written without feeling. It wasn’t a passion to write a book. It was a passion for the sake of the experience of feeling passion. How could you not if your senses are open to nature in the abundance provided by all the elements of the trail? It was passion for passion’s sake, the desire to feel every moment in every cell of the body while being witnessed by Nature and God if you will. Emotions were stilled, stirred, and they welled up over and over and over. The depth of experience of emotion brought laughter, anguish, and quiet contemplation. The whole of the man was evoked in every cell and fiber of the body and synapse of the brain.
I celebrated the beauty of that experience mixed with our verbal thrashing about as we threw out feelings and thoughts that had never been allowed the full breath of expression. It was a freedom to be totally ignited in fire that brought words by necessity to print, not to proclaim anything but to express an energy that lives in the heart.
Ah what freedom there is in the full truth of passion and it’s expression.
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Blog 14 - NO REGRETS
Page 5
Sometimes it’s refreshing and educational to share regrets on
our hike. Just processing out loud with a fair non-judgemental
listener is highly valuable. Our hikes always provide an
environment of freedom to risk embarrassment. Sometimes it’s
just a share and sometimes it’s valuable feedback that leads to a
different and valuable new perspective.
The sense of freedom provided by open space is invaluable. No
walls, no ceilings, no calls, no texts, just clean air and open space.
I have found most often that my only regrets are in reflection of
missed opportunities I didn’t take. They are lessons to me in
being present to what I hear and feel. I reflect on remembrances
of being lost in my head, thus being disabled to ask for what I
wanted.
The beauty of reflecting with another on the hill is a level of
presence that is hard to find anywhere else.
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Guy Occuhipinti (contractor and fellow adventurer) Sam Pearson (local artist and fellow adventurer) and myself L to R.
Creating “Community” (page 3) began for me in April 1983 with attendance to a very raw intense men’s three day weekend. Being connected as part of a community has been essential to me every since. Now after years of running multiple men’s support groups, vision quests, the military, and my personal men’s group I have fulfilled a passion for connection, and a healing of a childhood wound that I feel a passion to share.
Walking the Hill The Art of Accidental Transformation describes a shared depth of meaning to being connected to each other. Earth and spirit. Mark and I cut a trail aided by earth, raw expression of thoughts and feelings, and our depth of commitment to push our limits at least two to three times a week. We cut a spiritual trail if you will for all. I have added many friends, colleagues and clients over the years. The circle has expanded fulfilling a commitment and a passion. That includes both friends and clients. It’s fulfilling to me to know that most of my Wednesday afternoon men’s group has done the hike and continues to do so adding a depth of connection to each other.
In reflection the community I participated in 1983 now honestly includes thousands of personal connections. Walking the Hill The Art of Accidental Transformation describes a personal journey to wholeness. I invite you to join us.
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Blog 12
COMMUNITY 9/24/2023
This week has been a week of smoke from fires in Northern California and Southern Oregon. Global warming? The picture above is from November 10TH, 2019 of smoke from home wood fires in the mountains near Los Gatos. Spare the Air days were here. What are WE doing going to do about it?
Our nervous system was designed to survive and evolve from connection with others as mutual support. However we seem more and more distant from one another and more reliant on things and machines. What we know about the cerebral cortex is its very function (our survival as a species) is dependent on social connection. Diminished function will happen with less and less cooperative connection with each other.
We are at a crisis point. Now AI and what will be important?? Our communities or collections of tech that further isolates us from one another and our care for the planet that sustains us? We need to return to being in relationship with one another for our very survival. Our resilience will diminish without a community. Our nervous system without social support will down regulate out of increased fear. Social interactions recruit neural circuits that support health, growth and restoration.
A World Dependent on Social Media for Connectedness! “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots”. Albert Einstein.
Please join a community that supports our relationships as our survival depends on it.
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Blog 11 Visitors
This weeks hike included my new friend. A three foot rattlesnake. He and I have a conversation. I know he is responding because his (or her) tongue keeps going in and out. It’s obvious he is not afraid of me nor interested in striking as he is not curled to strike or shaking his rattle. I have no fear nor he as we both respectfully keep our distance and carry on our conversation. I love and treasure these moments. I hate to keep moving but time marches on. I hope we are now friends as neither of us have anything to fear. Life is an adventure and this rattlesnake has made my day. I hope we meet again. Talk to what you are afraid of. You might be surprised at the response. In recent years I have consistently found the risk rewarding. Love even the snake. PAGE 2.
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Blog 10
Our Wounds 9/9/23
I have gone on and on up this hill so many hundreds of times and as I do I sometimes look up and become aware of the steepness of the trail and how it is cut into the mountain like my wounds. I have reviewed my pain of abandonment redundantly and through my walks and EMDR treatment the cuts have healed. It is unfortunate that it was once a taboo to talk about our wounding. Most of us grow up with wounds we have tried to hide only causing deeper scaring. It took me years to open as “we don’t talk about that”. An ancient mantra of denial that closes the soul and only inflicts further pain on ourselves and others. Our walks and talks cut us open to feel and express the wound in order to heal.
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Blog 9 Inner Life (Gary) page 1
(Note No Blog Last Week due to 46th Anniversary)
I read in one of my favorite books a passage that pretty much defines me not as a therapist who is a human being, but a human being who happens to be a therapist. “Patients are often disappointed to learn that I too wander unredeemed, that I am no better off than they are. Eventually, the may realize comfort implied in my turning out to be just another struggling human being” (Kopp, 1972, pp. 8-9). I have found that surrendering the ego most often provides a safe place for my patients to do their deepest work. Again no shame, no judgement. We are here to learn and let us learn together as mere mortals. My groups are an excellent example. Strong bonds are created out of men trusting each other to speak their unabashed truth. Change happens out of the risk to expose our humanity and we thrive from the depth of our connection with each other. We always complete our meeting feeling more energized than when we started.
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Blog 8 The Ground we walk on.
We take safety for granted and rarely look down when we walk. However when you walk “The Hill” or any trail, with a sense of presence you pay attention to more than the ground. If you don’t at some point you are libel to hurt yourself, missing that big rock, a ledge or that slippery spot in the gravel. However today I am not talking about safety I am talking about being present to beauty in nature. It’s the very reason I keep my senses open and don’t chose to ride a mountain bike. I don’t want to miss anything. I don’t want to miss the red tail hawk feather, the wildflowers seen up close in the detail of their beauty, the fox, coyote, bob cat or a soaring predator. Even the spam can has meaning in it’s history of having been left by a hunter probably well over 50 years ago.
I talk to animals when I see them and I am rewarded by close up shots of fox and bobcat that I have included in the book. When I talk to them they most always stop, look and listen providing me with a close up invaluable relational experience. I am totally present to them and they are totally present to me..
It makes my life more meaningful to know these many levels of beauty and connection exist. I once assumed coyotes were simply gray scrubby animals until one ran directly at me and I saw the beauty of his fur in the sun. I was forced to notice his, gray, orange and white fur up close. It was a huge rush. It was much less about fear and more about astonishment. Witnessing his energy as he ran directly toward me and then vanishing right before my eyes. “Where in the….did he go?” These experiences enrich my life, allow me to be more present to myself and others and add meaning. to what many would consider out of nothingness.
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Blog 7
This book could not have been written without trauma. It was a motivator for me. The darkness of abandonment in childhood and war became a committed phenomenological study for me.
There is a culture of fear that perpetuates trauma when we can’t talk about it. Rather we find ways to deny, medicate and obfuscate the pain. I committed to study it so as not to become it.
The blessing of abandonment for me was the time for observation and introspection. The blessing of the military was the discipline to attack and pursue a better path than my ancestors. Eventually hurt turned to anger and a drive to do better than they. I went from thought to action. My college courses and working with people of all ages helped me understand and give meaning to people’s suffering. I was committed to have my life be different.
Part of our hikes included revisiting our histories of painful events. Having a safe place and person to share story and feelings is an incredible asset to the nervous system. I can’t encourage you enough to create safe places. The three men’s groups I currently run, my personal men’s group, my time on the mountain, and of course my family are all part of my sacred safe circle and invaluable.
Dare to dream a different dream. Walk with Us.
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Trauma
Blog 6
Challenges 8/4/23
Sometimes it’s a weather system. We have faced the fog, pouring rain, freezing cold, and extreme heat. We welcome a challenge like two men who hunger for a test of our body mind and soul. Sometimes the challenge is to “just be” in the face of an aching body, or clouded mind. There is an occasional “I just don’t want to today”. That was rare as we knew that would likely be a let down to our buddy. We had a strong pattern of three or more hikes a week. After many years and hundreds of miles of hikes it became our sacred mission to persist. It was an honorable mission and I have to say less and and less of a challenge. The path had been carved. Just follow it.
I have found myself with health challenges this year and Mark is not here. I had major hand surgery and shorty after came down with RSV. My lungs would not provide the air I needed to get me up to the trail. When I was able to hike I was only able to go half the distance. It has been extremely challenging mentally and physically. Many fits and starts.
I have persisted as best I can without Mark’s presence. Actually I have to correct myself as even though he has moved to the East Coast his spirit is with me every time I hike. I can’t say it’s a challenge without him. I am grateful to have had this lengthy shared experience and feeling he is with me in spirit every time I hike. I will always be greatful for our “accidental transformation”.
Yesterday I made the whole distance to our tree and back. It was an especially good day.
AHO!
Gary
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SAFETY Blog 5
SAFETY
Safety is a key element of our walks. Not in the way you might imagine. Sure we wear our day packs with the first aid kit, swiss army knife, sting kill, and our specialized gear depending on the weather and season. It’s about 15 lbs. worth of stuff. It’s just smart to be prepared. We have our di rigor gear etc. etc. and of course some of our gear is competitive to each other just for fun.
The safety is about being free of shame or judgement. Challenging ourselves and each other’s ideas from an open-hearted perspective is rich. It’s the essence of what make’s my 40+ years of men’s work successful. The first words men use in describing their group is “a safe place”.
The Hill provides a natural format beyond “the room”. The energy is much less contained. There is a freedom to express, risk and challenge. Since publication of our book my Wednesday group meets in a natural setting or hikes together as they now know the value of “The Hill The Art of Accidental Transformation”.
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SAFETY
Safety is a key element of our walks. Not in the way you might imagine. Sure we wear our day packs with the first aid kit, swiss army knife, sting kill, and our specialized gear depending on the weather and season. It’s about 15 lbs. worth of stuff. It’s just smart to be prepared. We have our di rigor gear etc. etc. and of course some of our gear is competitive to each other just for fun.
The safety is about being free of shame or judgement. Challenging ourselves and each other’s ideas from an open-hearted perspective is rich. It’s the essence of what make’s my 40+ years of men’s work successful. The first words men use in describing their group is “a safe place”.
The Hill provides a natural format beyond “the room”. The energy is much less contained. There is a freedom to express, risk and challenge. Since publication of our book my Wednesday group meets in a natural setting or hikes together as they now know the value of “The Hill The Art of Accidental Transformation”.
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Blog Post Title One
It all begins with an idea.
It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world. Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.
Don’t worry about sounding professional. Sound like you. There are over 1.5 billion websites out there, but your story is what’s going to separate this one from the rest. If you read the words back and don’t hear your own voice in your head, that’s a good sign you still have more work to do.
Be clear, be confident and don’t overthink it. The beauty of your story is that it’s going to continue to evolve and your site can evolve with it. Your goal should be to make it feel right for right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Blog 2 Gary
My walk began with a desire to re-create the childhood adventures I had had with my buddies walking old logging roads in the little logging town of Coos Bay Oregon. After living in Los Gatos California for many years I was driven to find a location to repeat my childhood experience. I was directed by a neighbor to a steep road and finally a gate to a trail. My initial fantasy was to walk up this steep road and walk the trail to the top where I could hike for miles along a relatively flat ridge line. My fantasy was quickly dispelled as I found the trail only stalled on the up in a couple places and then quickly elevated. I now had my adventure and all the cardio exercise I could ever desire. I kicked myself a bit for not having found this trail sooner in life as I was now in my late 50s. However I was soon back on the trail and walking with the adventurous spirit in which I had walked in Coos Bay.
A few years passed and though I loved hiking the trail alone I had the desire to share the experience. I was blessed by Mark’s desire for knowledge and the trail became the ground for the depth of our transformative walk. I will never forget introducing Mark to the road and finally the gate and his startled response to the steepness of only arriving at the entrance: “this is where it STARTS?”
This is where it starts. As you walk with us we hope it brings up your own desire and spirit for adventure and transformation.
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Blog 2 Gary
Blog Post Three
It all begins with an idea.
TRANSFORMATON
My life is committed to transformation. It’s was originally motivated due to the emptiness of my childhood. The benefit of spending so much time alone as a child created an awareness and hunger to understand life most would never know nor chose. The emptiness seemed to follow me until I began working on my Master’s Degree at age 35. It was during this time that I received a pointed message from my professor (Note: see Morgan Yamanaka MSW) His simple truth became a guiding force for all I do in my life and most especially in my private practice. In the quiet of writing this I just had that realization reinforced. Once again I find gratitude for my ability to be present and thus be able to hear an echo from the past. I appreciate him for his kick in the ass. When a man speaks his truth (especially an elder man) from the heart it can be a strong catalyst for transformation. I offer my truths throughout as a desire to inspire your transformative process.
I will describe much of the pain and the gifts as you read the book. I find that much wisdom comes to me in the quiet of my or our walks. Sometimes I will comment to myself “why didn’t I think of that before”. An awareness that only came to me due to the quiet. That is why I hope you take time to be still as you walk the trail with us. Silicon Valley where I live seems to have no tolerance for quiet. May you read our book in the quiet and allow the possibilities of sudden awareness speak to you
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Blog Post Four -No Father No Mother - The Gift
It all begins with an idea.
No Father No Mother – The Gift
7/21/23
I was probably four years old when my father died. I distinctly remember my mother standing in our little apartment kitchen crying and standoffish telling me that I didn’t understand and that my father was dead. The message was clear. I can’t be here for you.
I don’t believe it was long after that she told me I couldn’t keep playing inside and had to go out. I was told to go make friends but not leave the block.
I began to wander around the front of our apartment building and feeling puzzled as to what I was supposed to do. An older boy came along one day with another boy. He said there was going to be a fight and we should be prepared. He gave each of us a gift. The fighters never appeared and I never saw the boys again.
Something happened for me in that brief encounter. I felt a sense of hope that maybe I didn’t have to live in this void. Maybe I belonged to something and I didn’t have to feel alone. Maybe this is what my mother wanted. Meeting those boys had a lasting impression. It was like something magic happened out of nowhere. It was a launching point of sorts, perhaps an early initiation.
Yes I wanted for a mother and father but this was a powerful feeling of belonging. I was determined to seek more of it. I call it spontaneous connection. I was so hungry for connection it was natural for me to approach others with an open heart. I hadn’t learned any reason not to.
To this day I seek spontaneous connections.
I find a sense of pleasure and magic connecting with strangers. The trail is no exception. Nature provides a sort magical venue. I have met business execs, operating room nurses, musicians, teachers, mental health workers, neighbors etc. I gather their stories and feel the sense of belonging. The value is far beyond Mark and I.
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