Blog 38 The Hungry Kid Within (Gary)

As we walk I am aware that I am processing out loud.  I talk about my deprived inner child, and how he watched and listened to other children describe their trips to the beach, Hawaii, New York, skiing with their families or trips to Europe.  I always felt deprived, and perhaps never knowing what it meant to have “fun.”  Now that I have the fortune to allow me to do almost anything I want, I find my little kid often dragging me around the world. 

            When I was a teenager I also spent a great deal of time looking at magazines and fantasizing.  My world of fantasy was helped along by movies, Sears and Montgomery Ward catalogs, eventually TV, men’s magazines describing wonderful places, and most certainly Playboy.  (I was interested to learn that part of Hugh Hefner’s journey was stimulated by being left by a woman during his time in the military.) 

            It didn't help that my first friend in high school was enthralled with Hillsborough, California, and what money could buy.  He was also into stocks and educated me on the "possibilities" in the market.  My little kid's fantasies went wild.  The fantasy train was not only running but reinforced.

            Now I find that the kid frequently takes me away from reality.  I have to stop him and I think that is already in process, as sometimes I don't want to do anything or look at anything.  I rarely watch TV or movies anymore because I find them so loaded with bullshit fantasy. 

            So what is real?  I am escaping my child's fantasies more easily every day.  Now, in the moment, I am desireless.  I wonder if it is okay to be desireless.  Of course I have to watch out for that little kid who is always waiting to go for a ride (yeah, maybe like the Sunday car rides my aunt and uncle would take with me when I was three years old).  It doesn't take much stimulation from outside or inside to activate his unfulfilled desires or “hunger.”

            What if life was as simple as helping people, working on the house, playing with my dog, reading, and spending time with family and friends along with an occasional fun activity, or an adventure?  What would it take to be still, to be present?  I believe it will just take practice. 

            Tomorrow is another day of not walking The Hill and yet The Hill is with me wherever I go.  It maintains me.

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