Blog 37 Leading (Gary)
You know, as I truly relax the external world goes away. Stuff is unimportant, as in possessions. I am just here sitting on my bed in the comfort of my bedroom; I am warm, comfortable, and relaxed after having worked hard in my yard today. Was it the strenuous exercise? Is that what it takes to make everything okay and material desires go away?
What if I could just relax without the strenuous exercise, without walking The Hill for two hours? Less stress = less desire. Ah, to be in a state wherein stress and desire are dispelled. I've been here before. I know how good it feels. How do I hold on to it? Maybe this goes back to less is more? Part of me thinks of toys: Porsches, iPods, swimming pools. These thoughts are in the back corner of my mind, so now I let them seep in a little just to see what I do with them.
The first thing I detect is an energy, an excitement. It's tantalizing and seductive. It's not the fun, it’s more the high, adrenalin, excitement. What if I didn't need excitement? But I have to have some, don't I? Doesn't everyone? “Everyone I know . . .”
Sounds a lot like an alcoholic. “Everyone I know drinks like I do. All my friends . . .” How much excitement do I really need? What does it take the place of now? Or what did it take the place of then? My first reaction as I write this is longing. That's quite a contrast. Desire less vs. excitement now. When I was a kid it was longing vs. excitement. It was an emptiness created by a lack of love and connection. I was hungry. That’s a good word for it. I remember a beautiful Colombian hooker in Costa Rica approaching me and saying, “You are hungry for me, aren’t you?”
That’s in some ways the same. Desire that can take you to places you really shouldn’t go. I said no to that desire back then, but my mind can take me other places. I know excitement can make me a little crazy, like out of control, anticipating the big “WHOOOPEEE!” Is this the Love vs. Fear equation? Physiologically it’s a short shift from excitement to fear. I had a lot of fear and anxiety as a child in an unstable world: My parents’ separation, divorce, and my father's death when I was three or four is a good start. If I could turn that dial just a little I would have excitement instead of emptiness. Do I still want to do that? It’s a quiet slip into loneliness, loneliness slips into fear, anxiety, and longing, thus the desire for excitement comes up so I don't have to feel lonely. So the less I feel lonely, the less I will need excitement. I start desiring when I feel empty.
I realize that my little kid is resentful because he hasn’t been getting what he needs. He is waiting for and expecting what my supervisor in clinical practice used to call “the giant tit in the sky.” Thanks, Maria.
If you are resentful (it’s very common by the way) in relationship, change course. Reverse what you are doing. Lead by loving her and she will open to you. Take the risk. Quit being a brat. I have witnessed this working for my clients far more times than not.
Could I fill up in relationship? I did before, but I was too needy and almost lost the relationship. Thus, I sealed off my deepest needs. I am scared to be that needy again. Am I just practicing not needing, not feeling, and it catches up to me? Am I scared to reveal how needy I am? How needy am I anyway? Shit! What is it I need? Well, based on my story, I need love and stability. I have that, so what's the problem? My wife spends a lot of time trying to make me happy, but it only helps, it is not a healing. The open wound is still there. Maybe if I loved more, rather than waiting; if I took an active role in getting it. I always say, “Lead!” Maybe that's the answer—lead. Better yet, Lead in the Relationship. Lead in loving and “being.” That has worked.
If you grow up being deprived of love this will be hard. Take the risk of giving more rather than expecting more. Join me in having learned a valuable and contrary lesson that is well worth the risk.
It’s also about taking action. Peter Levine (Waking the Tiger, 1997) would say that healing from trauma is running from the tiger rather than staying frozen in fear (fight, flight, or freeze). The way to heal any trauma is to get the energy of it out of the body. Mark and I are healing our trauma by taking charge of it, talking and walking, moving the energy out of the body instead of being stuck or frozen. It’s our long way of healing from complex trauma but it has served us.
Lead in a loving way rather than suffering hurt and being resentful. Create what you need by giving it. Yes, by giving what you want to receive.
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