BLOG 35 Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)

                 Alone.

                  Learning a way of being.

                  Just being.

                  I ask what is natural?

                  What is real?

                  Questions that have been a part of my life for so long.

The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am.

When alone as a child I always kept my set of toy army men in a special corner of the living room and I would spend hours playing with them around the room.  My mother was okay with that as long as I always put them back in that special spot.  It turns out another man in our men’s group has pretty much the same story, and he tells me how he had collected over a thousand pieces of an army set similar to mine.  It makes me sad writing this, but so it was.  The army we wish we had so we wouldn’t feel alone.  The sense of belonging to something larger than our selves is sometimes comforting even if the belonging is an illusion of love and connection. 

                  What have you joined that you project the fantasy of belonging onto?  What sports team or corporate identity have you taken on belonging to out of a need to belong?  

                  I have seen a number of men who drink together in a work or after-work situation as a way to self-medicate and feel connected.  One of my favorite stories is of a high level corporate guy and ex-special ops academy graduate.  He was in sales where drinking was part of the protocol.  He got a DUI and it woke him up.  I coached him and he began his recovery process for himself and for the sake of his family.  He was a drinking buddy to a lot of other men.  One of his first concerns was how he was going to tell them.  How was he going to not drink in front of them or not join them in drinking?  I supported him to man up and lead those men.  I suggested that he and he alone had the courage and balls to do that—and he did.  Last I heard he was doing very well in sobriety and had gotten a number of his colleagues to either stop drinking or at a minimum brought them into a greater awareness of the damage it was creating.  “How do I quit?  Everyone I know drinks like I do.”  I have probably heard that one a thousand times.  It was extremely gratifying to have him call me over a year later, as traffic to his work diverted him by my office, and he thought to call.  I had been thinking about him and he called just to let me know things were great for him and he was continuing his life of sobriety.  What a gift!

                  Our culture is so very fucked up due to shame and guilt and too many medications to deal with it.

This Walk, This Journey, This Process (Gary)

            I know now that I had to do this walk, this journey, this process. (I always say therapy is a process, not a product).  Before I could go on to the next chapter of my life I had to come home.  I had to grow my values.  I had to learn them the hard way.  I am thankful for the people around me who gave me a new meaning.  These include the quality people I worked with in law enforcement, the Sterling Men's Weekend, my men's teams, my professors, and my new wife who would not settle for a lack of value.  I also give credit to Native American wisdom, my children, and the men’s and women's spirits I worked with in therapy.  They all helped me create new values.  They gave me a foundation of hope and a sense of belonging and self.  They brought me closer to home.

But I hadn’t come home yet.

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