Blog 24 VIETNAM (Gary)

Page 33

What blocks vitality in relationship for me? Sue says that I am split between the dark side and the light, that I fantasize on the left, the dark, music, dancing, trips, that I am never present, that I never connect because I am out there connecting with fantasy.

Before I went to Vietnam I believed in and wanted it to be an all-light world of my making: God, country, and family. When it all crashed, I knew I had made a decision that an all-light world didn’t work. I lost faith in all of it, and decided rejection might be a better idea. Now, as she says, I am split. Maybe I need an exorcism or something. At least I am now aware of it.

In order to have connection I have to let go of my dark side romance with fantasy. I am afraid of the light because I feel it abandoned me. Again, what or who abandoned me? Susan (my ex-wife) my elders on the dark side; my countrymen who were on the dark side off base; my priest who dropped out an important part of the mass; my lieutenant who had abandoned someone in the field; the dark side of war; left basically to defend the air base by myself during an impending attack by 5,000 NVA.

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