Blog 27 Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)

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Being Alone and Belonging (Gary)

         Alone.

         Learning a way of being.

         Just being.

         I ask what is natural?

         What is real?

         Questions that have been a part of my life for so long.

The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am.

When alone as a child I always kept my set of toy army men in a special corner of the living room and I would spend hours playing with them around the room.  My mother was okay with that as long as I always put them back in that special spot.  It turns out another man in our men’s group has pretty much the same story, and he tells me how he had collected over a thousand pieces of an army set similar to mine.  It makes me sad writing this, but so it was. The army we wish we had so we wouldn’t feel alone.  The sense of belonging to something larger than our selves is sometimes comforting even if the belonging is an illusion of love and connection. 

         What have you joined that you project the fantasy of belonging onto?  What sports team or corporate identity have you taken on belonging to out of a need to belong?  

        I have seen a number of men who drink together in a work or after-work situation as a way to self-medicate and feel connected. 

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Blog 26 This Walk, This Journey, This Process (Gary)

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                  I know now that I had to do this walk, this journey, this process. (I always say therapy is a process, not a product).  Before I could go on to the next chapter of my life I had to come home.  I had to grow my values.  I had to learn them the hard way.  I am thankful for the people around me who gave me a new meaning.  These include the quality people I worked with in law enforcement, the Sterling Men's Weekend, my men's teams, my professors, and my new wife who would not settle for a lack of value.  I also give credit to Native American wisdom, my children, and the men’s and women's spirits I worked with in therapy.  They all helped me create new values.  They gave me a foundation of hope and a sense of belonging and self.  They brought me closer to home.

 But I hadn’t come home yet.

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BLOG 25 Vietnam- Darkness Vs Light (Gary)

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Chuck dabbled in the dark side, along with my sergeant friend. God bless both of them. Maybe the light didn’t abandon me. Maybe the dark side corrupted me. My faith was tested more than I could endure, and I sold out. It was hard, so hard, to keep my faith when I felt so desperately alone. I have witnessed the dark side of fantasy, and I know it is a desperately lonely place. So I have my fantasies but I am alone in them. I have been taught well, so well that I am split. Have I abandoned myself, or my soul, to the dark side? Is it so hard to choose light over dark? Those attached to the dark side shall live here? In fear? Connection or detachment? Dark or light? Relationship with or without any? It comes down to a fear of relationship. With God or without? Light or dark? I am afraid of God. Sometimes I don’t want to leave the house. Maybe that is actually a good thing. Leave me alone, Oh Darkness. Let me be. Quit tantalizing me. Let me live here in my heart rather than a war-torn land. Would I then be back to being a child looking out the window at what others have, jealous of what I project I do not have, or would I finally be at home with a house filled with presence instead of the empty house I grew up in? As they say, a house does not make a home.

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Blog 24 VIETNAM (Gary)

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What blocks vitality in relationship for me? Sue says that I am split between the dark side and the light, that I fantasize on the left, the dark, music, dancing, trips, that I am never present, that I never connect because I am out there connecting with fantasy.

Before I went to Vietnam I believed in and wanted it to be an all-light world of my making: God, country, and family. When it all crashed, I knew I had made a decision that an all-light world didn’t work. I lost faith in all of it, and decided rejection might be a better idea. Now, as she says, I am split. Maybe I need an exorcism or something. At least I am now aware of it.

In order to have connection I have to let go of my dark side romance with fantasy. I am afraid of the light because I feel it abandoned me. Again, what or who abandoned me? Susan (my ex-wife) my elders on the dark side; my countrymen who were on the dark side off base; my priest who dropped out an important part of the mass; my lieutenant who had abandoned someone in the field; the dark side of war; left basically to defend the air base by myself during an impending attack by 5,000 NVA.

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Blog 23 Fantasy or Addiction vs Vitality (Gary)

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Now there might be some confusion about addictions that can deceive you into thinking and feeling that you are being vital, but there is a difference.  Addictions don't vitalize: they mesmerize.  In other words they put you to sleep for a while because what you are experiencing is always a substitute for the real thing. 

         That's right.  Think about it.  You don't have to think or feel.  Addictions disorganize it for you, and numb you out.  It actually takes you away from your vitality or spirit.  The physical feeling in your body is a distortion of reality in some way.  It leaves you wanting and lusting.  It steals the essence of who you are in order to have a sense of self.  You have to give something up.  Some part of you is stolen.  It is a substitute for what, and is—real and could vitalize you.  So what does vitality mean?  There was still something missing.  I have looked in many places, and occasionally thought I had it, but it wasn't there.  I have touched it many times without grasping it.  I think you know what I mean.  There is something out there, but what is it?  So much of therapy is finding a word that captures what is mutually felt; I mean feel it in your body, and all in the room connect with it.  For me, most recently, in fact, in only the last couple days, I have found the word that expresses what I have been looking for: vitality.

The Miriam Webster Dictionary describes vitality as “the state of being strong and active; energy: changes that will give renewed vitality to our democracy.  The power giving continuance of life, present in all living things: the vitality of seeds.”

So much for the dictionary definition: What is it about the seedling pushing its way through the concrete?  It is persistent and shows no lack of effort.  It is not only consistent and committed.  I see it as containing its own energy to move without any outside nurturance because it “feels” a strong sense of purpose within itself.  There is also an edge of joy in going beyond its little self to become something much larger.  Vitality contains within it “vibrancy.”  To me, it’s a vibe or vibration that hits my body and chimes within my whole being like a tuning fork and energizes me to respond in a way that fulfills a need to magnify its pitch to the next level.  If I listen closely, it is so intense that I want to feel it again and again, each time with a greater passion than the first.  It becomes a hunger to go beyond the mundane.  Once I get the right vibe I become hungry to hear it again and again.  The vitality is so strong that it is self-generating, like a song that keeps playing in my head that moves me physically and spirituaL.

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Blog 22 Vision Quest

October 2023 Quest

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I remember the first Vision Quest I ever did and how it brought me into nature in a way I had never experienced and inspired me to lead Vision Quests.  My fiancé told me I was driving her crazy with my divorce drama and to go backpacking or something to go figure it out for myself.  I decided to go backpacking in the Sierra’s even though it was early June and there was still snow on the ground.  Although I had spent most of my outdoor life as a kid in the woods, this was different.  I stayed in one place long enough to really acquaint myself to nature and my place in it (rather small).  That was a life changer.  It inspired change deep within me and inspired me to learn more about this ancient way of gaining wisdom.  Thus my Vision Quests were born six years later after working with some Native American peoples but the fire had been ignited by that time alone in the wilderness.  Thank you Cielo Black Crow and Tommy Little Bear.

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Blog 21 The Hill: The Place is the Teacher. The Gift (Gary)

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                  The importance of a physical challenge to complement emotional growth cannot be overestimated in its positive influence.  The Hill provides this for Mark and I. 

                  Sometimes I hate this walk.  I am like a student resisting the teaching, then finally, joyously letting it in.  Sigh, thank you mountain.

                  Every step here is a page.  “Down” feels like I’ve been cleansed, “up” the holding and preparing for the release.  “What would it take to be here, fully present to this place and my heart?” is a question I have asked many times. 

                  You can’t see a natural scene through the glass, feeling isolated and separated from the world, the way a latchkey child feels looking at the world through a window.  The hardest thing in the world for me sometimes is to just be where I am, as Gary.

                  Unfortunately, many men I know hike only to time themselves from one place to another and credit themselves with distance and speed.  They miss the beauty and the nurture of nature by just being.  Try just sitting in an isolated spot in nature for a day.  Not on a day.  For a full day, morning to dusk. Great preparation for Vision Quest.

The picture below is The Gift. It could not have happened without my being present. By my being present the fox felt safe to be present (Note: 6 ft away). Thus a beautiful moment in time I will never forget. And there are more to share.

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BLOG 20 Happy New Year 2024 ! -Holding the Ground

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The ground is something held sacred that you can rely on. You always go back to that place. It’s a point of safety. A ground can be a lot of things. The primary value to me is experienced in nature but most essentially in the combination of the individual or group relationships. The gift of my childhood and adult abandonment was a driving force to find or create a ground. Not having had a sense of security anywhere propelled me to create groups of men who seek the same and “show up” week after week because they know and feel the value of a safe, committed circle. Two can also provide a ground for each other. Mark and I provided that. The commitment to a challenging hike provided such a powerful ground it became a book, a totem, a sacred voice to the spiritual value of creating a ground.

Our desire in writing this book is that you the reader will create such bonds and expand the circle of souls who hold the ground for each other.

 My best example was my first men’s team from the Sterling Weekend. We met every Wednesday morning at 0430. Yes that is 4:30 am. Men came from long distances to keep their commitment.

 The value of a committed relationship is often taught by a consequence as a way of focusing and translating the meaning. Whatever consequence that can get a man’s attention to the importance of “showing up” and  bring up the warrior energy. That is a source for all of us to belong to something, be a part of, connect. It nurtures and fuels our nervous system to adapt to the everchanging world in ways that promote a healthy ongoing adaptation to the world. This is a Ground. A Sacred Ground.

Obviously the above applies to women as well who more naturally connect to the need to ground.

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Blog 19 Holiday Reflections

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During the holiday season joy and loss seem to be more on our minds as we reflect on the value of our connections past and present. Our gatherings and celebrations can open our hearts and thus our emotions to both being in the present and reflecting on the past.

 Sometimes we do our best to only glimpse at our losses rather than feel the depth of our grief. I feel we can find a deeper place of meaning by being with loss and talking about it as on our hike.

 Loss being inevitable we can consciously choose an attitude through our being present to the experience. Although painful there is always a teaching moment if we allow the totality of the experience to be felt. When we face the depth of our own experience there comes a deeper wisdom.

My good friend Mark Ruskell (DC) was a good friend and colleague who I had known from a men’s weekend years prior. We were part of a men’s team for years. He came to our usual team meeting at the park. He sat down at the table and teared up as he told us he had cancer. We were all in shock as we had always held him as being the big old farm boy who could physically endure anything.

 He went through a series of progressive and aggressive treatments for esophageal cancer.

 I visited him at home the week before he died.

I found him dressed and appearing to be well despite having fasted for many days. We talked about life and death and he focused on all his positive life experiences. I watched him reviewing the video of he and his girlfriend’s dive with the manta rays in Mexico. He raised an empty margarita glass from their trip and said “I have no regrets”….essentially saying from a life well lived.

I grieved his loss And I was present to his message to Live a Life with No Regrets. Thanks Mark! I love you brother.

Holiday blessings and may you be present to all the gifts that may come to you emotionally during this holiday season.

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Blog 18 -The Gift

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 You can’t FORCE the spirit to write. It has to want to. Just had to say.

 So today I share a significant basis for the book. I could call it grief, abandonment, or a gift. It wasn’t a gift that my father died, my mother was overcome with grief and I was emotionally abandoned by my mother at age four. But there was a gift to follow. There was a pony in the horseshit.

My mother told me that I could no longer go down the hall to the stored toy box in the apartment building to get my toys and play inside. I needed to go outside and find some friends to play with. I of course had no idea what that meant or how to do that. I only knew I was not to leave the corner area of the block we lived on.

So on one of my first wanderings around the corner I encountered a boy who was a little older and he told another boy about his age and I there was going to be a fight and we needed to stick together and prepare ourselves. He gave each of us a gift that he said we would need for strength.

 The gift wasn’t just the physical object (you will have to read the book to find out what is was) but the value of connection, a model of survival, a necessary resource for emotional and physical growth. A basic nervous system requirement for adaptation and survival from life’s fears. My first lesson in polyvagal theory if you wish to look it up is “co-regulation”. -That simple gift gave me the desire and direction I needed in raising myself-.

The enemy never appeared and I never saw either of those boys again.

However connection has directed most every aspect of my life and most certainly helped me in developing a very successful private practice and my own personal support group. Our very survival, our nervous system is dependent upon emotional connection. If you aren’t emotionally connected to others the consequences are dire.

Connect to reveal and heal and live a full life. My Gift at age four was co-regulation. Thanks Mom and thank you to the spirit in that mystery boy’s message.

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BLOG 17

BLOG 17 A LESSON IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

                    A THANKSGIVING GIFT

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 I have found that most men find it difficult to accept acknowledgement. It seems to be more important to ignore our accomplishments for the “greater good”. Someone else was more deserving or had accomplished a greater feat. I felt It was my duty as a leader to acknowledge men for their accomplishments.

 Men of Fire was a heart centered men’s support group I had envisioned, co-created and led for 18 years.. Other than a few short timers the circle had had only 22 regular members. Now it was time for the completion ceremony. We gathered on the mountain for our closing circle and passed the truth stick.

 Speaking last I took my time to make eye contact with each man and speak from my heart acknowledging each one as an exceptional man. When I was done I was tapped on the shoulder by the man on my left and told that I had forgotten someone. Taken aback I asked who!?  The man said yourself. “You too are an exceptional man”. I have never forgotten that moment. It was a lesson and a gift that I have carried with me since.

 In my groups I now have each man acknowledge himself for something he has done during the week. He may also acknowledge others in the circle. In the past I had ignored myself for the sake of others because I believed that was my duty.

 Since that day I have included myself in the acknowledgement process and let the acknowledgements in when they are given.

How can one fully lead by example if he cannot mention and own his accomplishments. Not from a place of ego but rather by example.

 The Hill has been an open space to practice letting love in the giving as well as receiving acknowledgement.

 Happy Thanksgiving. May you acknowledge yourself in some way today and every day.

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BLOG 16 SHAME AND JUDGEMENT Page 8

Do you always follow the fence line and retreat from a block to your path? I am grateful that there are only a couple fences along our hill and rarely a block to the trail. However it’s a reminder to me of how we often contain ourselves both physically and emotionally. I am always looking beyond the fence if you will and take safety challenges as part of the fun.

I have fond memories of simply stepping over an insulated high voltage power line from a storm when I was six while surrounding parents were freaked out and immobilized. I took my time and calculated the risk based upon what they had unconsciously already done.

The consciousness we experience on the hill gives us permission to access and express ourselves beyond the fear most of us were raised and contained by. We are a combination of cultures most often ruled and contained by shame and judgement.. Most fear to express themselves. I suspect it was considered necessary for the survival of past generations so no judgment from me. However we are slow to change and freedom of expression is slow to evolve. Many change their physical appearance but dare not share their expression of emotion unless it contains fear or judgement.

Here on the hill it always feels like there is an open invitation to feel to our depth, to cry, yell, talk out loud to oneself and personally share our deepest feelings. A good yell from the bowels is very therapeutic.

Our book is an invitation to go beyond that which fences you in or blocks your path emotionally and spiritually.

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BLOG 15 Passion

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Our book couldn’t have been written without feeling. It wasn’t a passion to write a book. It was a passion for the sake of the experience of feeling passion. How could you not if your senses are open to nature in the abundance provided by all the elements of the trail? It was passion for passion’s sake, the desire to feel every moment in every cell of the body while being witnessed by Nature and God if you will. Emotions were stilled, stirred, and they welled up over and over and over. The depth of experience of emotion brought laughter, anguish, and quiet contemplation. The whole of the man was evoked in every cell and fiber of the body and synapse of the brain.

 I celebrated the beauty of that experience mixed with our verbal thrashing about as we threw out feelings and thoughts that had never been allowed the full breath of expression. It was a freedom to be totally ignited in fire that brought words by necessity to print, not to proclaim anything but to express an energy that lives in the heart.

 Ah what freedom there is in the full truth of passion and it’s expression.

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Blog 14 - NO REGRETS

Blog 13 COMMUNITY

Blog 12

COMMUNITY 9/24/2023

This week has been a week of smoke from fires in Northern California and Southern Oregon. Global warming? The picture above is from November 10TH, 2019 of smoke from home wood fires in the mountains near Los Gatos. Spare the Air days were here. What are WE doing going to do about it?

Our nervous system was designed to survive and evolve from connection with others as mutual support. However we seem more and more distant from one another and more reliant on things and machines. What we know about the cerebral cortex is its very function (our survival as a species) is dependent on social connection. Diminished function will happen with less and less cooperative connection with each other.

We are at a crisis point. Now AI and what will be important?? Our communities or collections of tech that further isolates us from one another and our care for the planet that sustains us? We need to return to being in relationship with one another for our very survival. Our resilience will diminish without a community. Our nervous system without social support will down regulate out of increased fear. Social interactions recruit neural circuits that support health, growth and restoration.

A World Dependent on Social Media for Connectedness! “I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots”. Albert Einstein.

Please join a community that supports our relationships as our survival depends on it.

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Blog 11 Visitors

This weeks hike included my new friend. A three foot rattlesnake. He and I have a conversation. I know he is responding because his (or her) tongue keeps going in and out. It’s obvious he is not afraid of me nor interested in striking as he is not curled to strike or shaking his rattle. I have no fear nor he as we both respectfully keep our distance and carry on our conversation. I love and treasure these moments. I hate to keep moving but time marches on. I hope we are now friends as neither of us have anything to fear. Life is an adventure and this rattlesnake has made my day. I hope we meet again. Talk to what you are afraid of. You might be surprised at the response. In recent years I have consistently found the risk rewarding. Love even the snake. PAGE 2.

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Blog 10

Our Wounds 9/9/23

I have gone on and on up this hill so many hundreds of times and as I do I sometimes look up and become aware of the steepness of the trail and how it is cut into the mountain like my wounds. I have reviewed my pain of abandonment redundantly and through my walks and EMDR treatment the cuts have healed. It is unfortunate that it was once a taboo to talk about our wounding. Most of us grow up with wounds we have tried to hide only causing deeper scaring. It took me years to open as “we don’t talk about that”. An ancient mantra of denial that closes the soul and only inflicts further pain on ourselves and others. Our walks and talks cut us open to feel and express the wound in order to heal.

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