Blog 69 Change for the Better (Gary)

Hey, it's Mark, me, and Stacy, another man from our group whom I invited along today.  All of us are struggling up The Hill at a snail's pace.  I thought it was just me.  With a better view at higher elevation we soon discover the smoke that clouds the valley; no doubt from the San Diego area fires.  Regardless, it's another beautiful day, yet Mark continues to unload his darkness from the bowels of German persecution, the foundation of his doctoral dissertation on the Holocaust.  He is very dark and intense.  I attempt to remind him of the beauty of the day but he refutes it with an assertive, "I am always intense, what do you expect."  I assert back with a loud, "Lighten up!"  Interesting that we are close to the last stretch of the Hill of Cruelty.

            We continue on to the tree and make a poor but better than expected time of one hour, nine minutes and some odd seconds.  We turn around to take in the view.  Smoke and haze cover the valleys.  It is good to be up here looking down on it.  I actually feel better up here than when we started.  We rejoice in our time, pee on a bush or tree, and slowly descend.

            I am not sure what today has brought.  Stacy is quieter than usual.  Mark is his usual intense being.  I point to each one of us starting with Stacy and labeling him “relaxed,” me “medium relaxed,” and Mark “not relaxed,” as we head down the hill.

            So what do I take from today?  I know that I always want people to change for the better.  I know I need to let go and realize this is it.  Little if anything is going to change in my friends.  I don't like this.  The truth is I don't want things to change, but I want people to change.  They won't be able to love me if they don't change.  I can't stand that.  Let's extrapolate on this.

            It goes back to tearing up my classmate’s fucked up drawing of the duck in first grade because he didn't do it right.  You can't have love unless it's perfect.  Only the perfect get loved.  Only the good child gets the candy from Santa. If you are deprived of love you must not be good enough or perfect enough to receive it.  Okay, got it. 

Fuck.  Another lesson from The Hill.  And from a commander who when I voiced my expectations of certain commanders said, “Remember, Gary, they are just people.”  Thank you, Col. Turos.  That keeps vibrating in my head.

How accepting are you or have you been just as critical as I? 

Thanks for the gift mom—NOT.

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WALKING THE HILL THE ART OF ACCIDENTAL TRANSFORMATION