Blog 68 Loneliness and Perfection (Gary)

Reflecting on my neediness.  I am afraid of it, as I know it pushes people away.  Maybe I can reformulate it some way.

            I believe most men are lonely because of their programming to be providers in excess and absentia.  Then we become even more needy.  Like my client who worked hard to make a fortune, and is now unhappy in relationship, so he travels the world, seeking and empty.

            What would do it for me?  Hot sex helps, but so do hot cars and . . . .  choose from the list of wants and toys, you can name it.  Maybe it's working less and being quiet, as I wrote earlier.  I thought I must be unlovable, so I try very hard to do all the right things, and be a good person.  Who now abandons whom?

            I get it.  I have abandoned myself, an abandoned child who learned how to abandon himself.  Just like an abused child learns to abuse.  The quiet has certainly opened Pandora's box. These walks are killing me open.  So what would it look like to not abandon myself and to no longer follow mother’s directives?

            I just now lost my words to write about all of this.  Guess I will have to ponder on another walk up The Hill.  What if I was, what if I am . . . lovable?  Would there be nothing to do? 

            How about you?  If you were lovable would you no longer have any work to do on yourself?

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Walking The Hill The Art of Accidental Transformation Plep/Yoslow