Blog 71 Honor (Gary)
Honor (Gary)
Mark calls me late. It is his anniversary, and he calls later than we agreed. I wish them both a happy anniversary. Mark agrees to pick me up in forty-five minutes. I prepare not thinking too much about it until he arrives. I jump in the car and pick up on his energy, and his run-out-of-the-house (hair on fire) look. I get it immediately. Yeah, ladies, sometimes we are a little slow. We drive up to the parking area to start the hike up to the trailhead.
I say, “Hey, Mark, it’s your anniversary. Want to make a hundred points? Go home and tell her you realize you need to be with her, and take her to breakfast. You love her dearly . . . blah, blah, blah.” Mark asks me, “You don't mind?” I reply, “Hey, drop me off, and I’ll walk back to my house or have Sue pick me up.” Mark says, “I'll come back and get you in what, two hours and ten minutes (that’s the length of the hike at a good pace)?” I say, “Forget it.” Mark says, “Awright!” I can sense his relief after having to choose between honoring his brother and honoring his wife and their relationship.
Hey, the walk is beautiful, and I am feeling spry. My side seems totally relieved. Hey, maybe I’m cured. I am free to ponder life's questions by myself. Today I ponder marriage and divorce, having been through both.
When is it okay to divorce? Suppose you are no longer attracted to your partner or whatever? I always tell people that it’s important they give it their best to make the relationship work. Internally, what I do not say, is if they have given their best, and it still doesn't work, then it's time to consider letting it go, and that needs to be said by them, first.
Actually the question I am resistant to ask is, “When is it a ‘sin’ to divorce?” No, that's not it. Is divorce a sin? Most people aren’t aware that the word “sin” in Latin simply means “if on the contrary.” In Old English it’s used in archery and means “missing the mark.” But for Christians today it means you have violated your relationship with God. Let's look at that.
I "feel" (okay, now we are going deeper) it's a sin unless we have battled it out. Most will immediately take this as expressing anger with each other, and that is not what I mean. What I mean by “battle” is a strong inventory of the truth and the expression of it.
What is my foundation for considering all of this? Internally, where am I coming from? Marriage and divorce are issues that depend on history. But that is not what I’m about; I’m not about being haunted by the past and old decisions. With my relationships, my clients, friends and acquaintances, I know where I stand about the past. My past is no longer important; now it's my present I hold dear. It’s a simple philosophy. Strike from the heart of passion. The time for fantasy is over. That window is closing. And if I don't close it, time will. (Five steps later I find a tail feather of a red tailed hawk and retrieve it. Grief, aha. Tears release as a wounded warrior finds the luxury of feelings inside the battle of the ego.
My Wednesday night men’s group is an example. I am sitting in the circle next to a man who relates the story of his father who was a charming, gambling, womanizing alcoholic, and a wife abuser. He had just described my father. Ironically (or is it?) the man next to him has an almost identical story. One of his issues is making a decision about his relationship with his wife from whom he has been separated for two years. He has told us she is overweight. In his story he tells us about his mother and father getting drunk and fighting, and both of them falling down. He had to pick them up, except he couldn't pick his mother up because she was too heavy. He suddenly had an Aha! moment. We then discuss how he was there to rescue his parents, but learned to abandon himself. I learned that one too well myself.
Another gentleman in the group, sitting next to the man who just shared, is over seventy and has told us how difficult it has been for him to share his feelings. He has just recently, after many years in the group, become razor sharp in his expressions. His wisdom has nailed some men in describing their situations to the appreciation of all of us. It's a bonding moment when all of us hear it and become silent in appreciation of his direct hit.
Most often divorce happens out of allowing a negative pattern from the past to live in the present. We unknowingly allow the past to be in charge of our thoughts, emotions, actions, so that what is happening right now takes a back seat to something that no longer even exists. The thing that holds a man (or a woman) in check is an old source of pain, and once that is clearly seen as something he is defending against, he has a choice; he can let that pain continue to be in charge, or he can break that pattern and become the leader of his life.
What will he do without the pain? It has run things so well up to now. It’s comfortable because he knows how to do it. What will LEADING his life look and feel like NOW? We are all creatures of habit, and it is scary to change. Even if it’s dysfunctional we prefer to follow something we know rather than lead something new. The habit of maintaining old patterns is an allegiance to the parent imprinted in the brain at an early age.
I preach “Leading,” rather than following an ancient script that is no doubt centuries old, a negative script that has been passed from generation to generation. No shame, no blame, just dysfunctional now. A Native American belief is that we are affected by seven generations before us. We need to be conscious of what we are doing in the present as we will have an effect on seven generations after us. It is never just about us. I used to think it was. My wife, Sue, corrected me and she is right (yet again).
What are the sins of your past? Make a list and see if you are leading or following. Are you a leader to the future or a follower of the past?
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