Blog 62 Ego (Gary)

I wrestle with ego and beauty.  I will start with ego: my fear of it.  I don't like too much acknowledgment.  This comes up as I have recently received significant acknowledgment.  I find that I don't like it.  Yet I have been touched by the differences in men's lives because of something I contributed.

            Is it because I don't value myself enough to let it in?  I always say I despise ego because I have seen what it has done to people.  Am I afraid of my own?  That is what the mirror could be telling me.

            Let's explore this.  Maybe it's a cover.  Maybe I don't want the responsibility of having made a difference.  Then I would have to show up more.  I would have to stand out, and there is a risk to that.  Is it the risk of making a fool out of myself, or being shamed, or looking stupid?  I have to be with this, but I talk it out loud to Mark as we walk together.  Mark attempts to help me see that I don't abuse ego.  I get that I have been hurt many times by others’ egos.  Disappointed and hurt.  At the same time I can get in an ego state that creates arrogance, and then I awaken and stop myself.  I don’t want to separate myself.  I prefer to join.  My goal is to not feel alone but rather to feel connected and loved.

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