Blog 64 Alone (Gary)
I don't trust anything. I am scared to be here. I have seen so many people give it all up for false gods that I have come to believe it, too. Part of me doesn't want to, but part of me does. A practice, a discipline of just being here with Sue and my Cedar, but even that can change. My Cedar will go away some day and I will be alone again. Everything leaves either through will or age. Even me. Maybe the recent acknowledgments from men are telling me it's okay to be here. That it is enough. That I am enough. That was it.
When I came back from Vietnam I was hit hard with ALONE AGAIN in a strange world. ALONE, yet I preach not doing it alone. Here I sit, still alone, not home, as the home I was to come back to wasn't here anymore. Where is my home? I have searched my whole life for a home. I have been in this house for twenty-one years this month, but only now am I considering making this my home. Not “be here now,” rather, “be at home now.” Claim this home and be here.
Too bad life takes so long to achieve. I could achieve life here. Quiet, oh Fantasy Mind. Stop. Is it too late? So much of what I do is an attempt to make it be safe where I am. Maybe I don't have to keep at it. Maybe I am HOME.
I realize that I am sitting in our new and beautiful wicker chairs with my feet up and my dog lying nearby. It sure looks and feels like I am at home. I couldn't walk The Hill today due to a wild fire and its intense smoke polluting the air. The house smelled like smoke and outside was like being close to a fire and having the smoke blown toward you, except it didn't go away.
The State Military Reserve finally called, and I guess I may be "in" with the answer to a few questions regarding my medical history. It will require my attendance one weekend a month. Maybe that will force me to be home. Maybe the exploring I want to do is done, unnecessary, and less valuable than showing up for someone else. Maybe I am almost here and The Hill has brought me home. That feels right in my heart.
BUY THE BOOK